You enter the kitchen. It is quiet. Your wife left you. All that's left is you, some ingredients, and the 100,000 tortillas you spent your life savings on.
[[Begin your masterpiece]]
You place your tortilla on your filthy counter.
What Meat will you use?
[[Chicken]]
[[Beef]]
[[Pork]]
[[Kangaroo (don't ask)]]You take the chicken out of your barely-functioning crockpot with a fork. You furiously try to shake the meat off the utensil and onto the tortilla. You manage to get most of it off before you decide to just use your fingers
What will you add now?
[[Pinto Beans]]
[[Baked Beans]]
[[Black Beans]]You have no idea how to cook beef to put on a burrito, so you use leftover steak.
Where do you go from here?
[[add... baked beans? The odd cumulation of brown slop leaks from its unlabeled can]]
[[Fried egg]]
[[Corn flakes]]You don't have pork. You hate pork. You hate pigs. Your ex was a pig. You will die before you have anything to do with any pork or porky by-products. Dammit you hate pork.
...Okay.
Want to try again? Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]]You place the Kangaroo meat from your fridge onto the tortilla. What's Next?
[[Cheddar Cheese]]
[[Salsa]]
[[Goat]]You don't have any. Check for [[Baked Beans]].The baked beans are probably the only fresh ingredient you own. You happily put them on the tortilla. You actually begin to feel a bit of joy looking at your meal. Where do you go from here?
[[Add rice]]
[[Add gravel]]You don't have any. How about [[Pinto Beans]]?The repulsive slop drips onto your burrito. It practically crawls out of the can and onto what was once a decent lunch. You feel bad omens being emmitted by the "food." Your burrito is ruined. What will you do next?
[[Add Swiss Cheese]]
[[Microwave it]]
[[Give Up]]You reach into the fridge and pull out a carton of eggs. There is only one left inside. You crack it into the pan. What's this? There was a chick in it! Well you can't use that egg n-... What are you doing? Get your hand away from that knob! I'm serious man. STO- oh! Oh my god! I've gotta get out of here! This maniac is sick!
Want to try again? You'd better after this incident. Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]] You add corn flakes to the burrito. To be honest... you've seen worse. What do you add next?
[[Milk]]
[[Raisins]]You grab a block of cheddar cheese from your fridge. There is only half of the original pack left. For some odd reason, your wife took half of the block before she left you. She also took the cheese grater, so you peel bits off with your untrimmed fingernails. What do you wish to add now?
[[Koala]]
[[Water]]You look for salsa in your fridge. Nothing. You look in the cupboard. Nothing. You look in the pantry and discover a single canister of year-old salsa. Do you really want to use it? I mean, your brother-in-law gave it to you. Out of spite you chuck the salsa out the window and into the street. An elderly walks by it a few minutes later and slips on the round canister. He falls backwards knocking over a little kid's bike. The bike then fell onto a metal rake, causing the gardening tool to stand straight up and hit a fuse box. The box explodes and all power in the block cuts out.
I think that's enough productivity for today.
want to try again? Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]] You use the goat meat your neighbor unwillingly donated for your dish. How can you be an even worse person? What will you add next?
[[Butter]]
[[Tin Foil]]
[[Panda]]You add an entire stick of butter. It's... unsalted?! Repulsive! But, due to your hunger, you take a bite anyways. As you chew, your heart breaks out of your chest, grows legs, and runs away in terror. You yell "Fine! Get out of here! I wasn't using you anyways!"
You die a few minutes later.
Man, I don't even know where this one was going.
Want to start over? Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]] Instead of wrapping the burrito in the tin foil, you tear it to shreds and decide to add it to the burrito like an absolute psychopath. Does your hatred know no bounds?
[[Eat it]]
[[Feed it to your ex]]You add the panda meat you had gotten from an international dealer in exotic foods to the burrito. You wrap the burrito up and are ready to take a bite. You open your mouth. You bring the burrito in close. before you can take your savory bite, PETA breaks down your door. About a dozen animal rights activists rush your house and beat you. They confiscate the burrito. Now you have nothing.
Pretty epic ending, really.
Want to try again? Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]] You add the swiss cheese to the abonimation. Suddenly, something comes crashing through your dirty kitchen window. It's your neighbor! He screams "SWIIIIISSSSS CHEEEEEESSSE!!!!" Like a bolt of lightning, he leaps for your burrito and grabs the single piece of swiss cheese. He breaks another window, this time your skylight. He leaves while laughing maniacally. he left the other slices that were in the bag. You are too afraid to add another. In fact, you throw the burrito away entirely.
Wasn't expecting that.
Want to try again? Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]] You place the "burrito," in the microwave. You set the timer to 61 seconds. You stare at the microwave intently as the disaster of a meal slowly rotates on the plate. You take out the burrito only to be immediately horrified. Whatever was inthat can... and... the radiation from the microwave... Good Lord! You created life!! You immediately call several news outlets to see it. Not only does the pathetic and miserable excuse for an organism die before they get there, but they call the authorities and put you in the psychiatric ward. At least now you won't be haunted by the lingering presence of your ex!
Wanna try again? Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]]You gave up.
Wanna try again? Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]]
Or...
[[Give Up]] You soak the burrito in milk. It is terrible. The burrito falls apart in your hands as you desperately try to take a bite. It is an utter failure, just like yourself
Try again? Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]] You pour a box of raisins onto the burrito. You wrap up the burrito and take a bite of it. It tastes... unique. You decide now that you'll just have the cornflakes and raisins on their own with a normal bowl of cereal. You feel nothing now.
Pretty anticlimactic...
Want to try again? Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]] Eating the burrito was an awful experience. The goat and kangaroo left an awkward taste in your mouth which was only further heightened by the tinfoil which cut the inside of your cheek. The pain reminds you of every time your ex pestered you about not paying the water bill. Oh well. At least it's down now. Wait. Why is everything spinning? Why do your fingers feel like TV stataic? Why are you such a failure?!
You pass out and die
want to try again? Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]] Due to the restraining order she placed on you, you decide to go with a less direct approach. You put the exotic animal meat and semimetals into an envelope. You address it to her apartment and wait. This will work, right?
[[Wait two days]]It didn't work.
Nobody is stupid enough to open a package from their ex a week after their divorce with no prior notice of the box and its contents.
Want to try again? Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]] Do you really think you'd have the meat of a protected animal from another country? Australia of all places? Next you're going to tell me you have kangaroo meat in your kitchen.
Add [[Water]] instead.You take the burrito over to the faucet. You turn the handle... nothing comes out. You forgot to pay the water bill. Or rather, you refuse to pay it out of spite for your ex and how she always pestered you for not paying it. You refuse to swallow your pride to put water on your burrito as most people do.
I've lost a good amount of sympathy for you after this experience.
want to try again? Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]] You add the rice. Hey, this is actually coming together great. A certain sensation begins to swell in your body. It begins in your fingertips and works its way to your heart. You feel a certain warmth that you haven't felt since you... met... her. Hmm. What to do?
[[Forget it]]
[[Give her a second chance]]You remember how much life sucks and decide to make yourself miserable. The kid that keeps leaving their bike in front of your driveway is lining up bits of gravel on the sidewalk. You invade his little game and scoop all of it into your mouth. You swallow it. Whatever happens next, you'd better have a good explanation to give to your insurance company.
You went CRAZY this time.
Want to try again? Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]] The warmth leaves your heart. Any and all moments of joy were brief. You messed up. Every action you took yo get here, and the failure you now feel, are a poetic metaphor on your own life. You will never attain the perfect burrito now.
Wow. That was a bummer.
Want to try again? Then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]] With burrito in hand, you decide to become a better man. You clear out your pantry and fridge and replace it all with real food, you politley ask the kid next door to move his bike out of the way of your driveway, and you show that water bill who's boss. After fixing you house up, you work on your appearance. You bust out that suit and tie and you finally shave your terrible beard. You're ready. Time to go and give it a shot!
Finally! You did it!
Want to try again? I don't see why you would want to. You would be erasing everything you've worked up to. But if you do, then...
[[Begin your masterpiece]]