Another day, another alarm. It's already 8AM. You've already slept through two, but you can sleep through another one, probably.
[[Hit the snooze button.]]
[[Guess we should get up.]]those extra 15 minutes actually made you feel better. But now you only have a few minutes before you have to run to class. Hurry up and pick your outfit!
[[Time to play dress up.]]
(set: $Paranoia to it + 1)
(set: $Rest to it + 2)
(set: $Anxiety to it + 2)You're real groggy, but now you have a lot more time to be productive and think about what you want to wear today.
[[Time to play dress up.]]
(set: $Rest to it + 1)
(set: $Paranoia to it - 1)
(set: $Anxiety to it - 1)[[Good Morning.]]
(set: $Rest to -2)
(set: $Paranoia to 0)
(set: $Anxiety to 5)
(set: $Depression to 5)First, your undergarments! We can't be going commando to class now can we. Do we pick men's underwear or women's underwear?
[[Men's]]
[[Women's]]
(set: $Binder to 0)
(set: $Underwear to 0)
(set: $Shirt to 0)
(set: $Jacket to 0)
(set: $Hat to 0)
(set: $Packer to 0)Well, that's okay. It's a bit too uncomfortable to wear on a daily basis anyway, and how often are you going to have to go to into a public restroom? You'll be okay, probably. The empty space in your underwear is a bit weird and uncomfortable, it rides up when you're walking. But now you don't have to deal with the silicone!
[[Time to put on a chest binder.]]
[[Time to put on a shirt.]]
(set: $Paranoia to it + 1)
(set: $Anxiety to it + 1)The thinner shirt is good for showing off that bod, and it's good for those hot days. The thicker shirt is more of a standard one, and it's quite comfortable. You wear that one a lot. Which shirt do you wear?
[[The thinner one.]]
[[The thicker one.]]This is always less comfortable than you remember. You even thought you chose some high-quality stuff! Well, now you can wear your packer (if you want) and you're feeling much more confident about yourself and your masculinity.
Do you wear your packer?
(if: $Rest < 0) [[[Yes.]]](else:)[~~Yes.~~]
[[No.]]
(set: $Underwear to 1)
(set: $Paranoia to it - 1)
(set: $Anxiety to it - 1)
(set: $Depression to it - 1)This is definitely comfortable, since it was technically made for you type of body. Still, it makes you uncomfortable that you have any of these at all. You know how expensive it is to get surgery to change things, and you have no idea how long it'll be until you get there.
You can't wear a packer with this one, there's definitely no room for that. It's not like anybody else knows what you're wearing, but you hate that you know.
(if: $Rest < 0) [[[Time to put on a chest binder.]]](else:) [~~Time to put on a binder.~~]
[[Time to put on a shirt.]]
(set: $Underwear to 2)
(set: $Paranoia to it + 1)
(set: $Anxiety to it + 1)
(set: $Depression to it + 2)(if: $Binder is 0) [Ugh. Why do you even keep this shirt? I guess it just gets too hot to wear the other one. This shirt highlights all your insecurities.
[[Time to put on a jacket.]]
(set: $Shirt to 1)
(set: $Paranoia to it + 2)
(set: $Anxiety to it + 4)
(set: $Depression to it + 4)]
(else:) [It’s not a horrible shirt, you end up seeing the binder underneath which makes you feel a bit paranoid about people noticing it. At least it looks like a tanktop, so will people really care?
[[Time to put on a jacket.]]
(set: $Shirt to 2)
(set: $Paranoia to it + 1)
(set: $Anxiety to it - 1)
(set: $Depression to it - 1)](if: $Binder is 0) [Hm. This is okay I guess. This doesn't really hide your chest as much as you hoped it would, since the way the fabric falls makes it pretty obvious you have boobs, but it's bearable? At least nothing really gets shown off in this shirt.
[[Time to put on a jacket.]]
(set: $Shirt to 3)
(set: $Paranoia to it + 1)
(set: $Anxiety to it + 2)
(set: $Depression to it + 1)]
(else:) [You love this combo. It boosts your confidence a lot since it’s highlighting how square your body becomes and how flat your chest is. Although all these layers, you are getting a bit uncomfortable.
[[Time to put on a jacket.]]
(set: $Shirt to 4)
(set: $Paranoia to it - 2)
(set: $Anxiety to it - 2)
(set: $Depression to it - 2)]We're almost done! Only a few pieces left before you're done with your outfit. Now, which jacket to pick? Your tighter one makes you look pretty cool, but your looser one is just so comfortable!
[[Let's go for the tighter one.]]
[[Let's go for the looser one.]]This jacket is really comfortable and warm, but you hate how it accentuates your body shape. It's a female-cut jacket, so it slims your waist, flairs out at the hips, and accentuates your shape in a way you hate. You kind of wish it was a worse jacket so you'd have an excuse to get rid of it.
[[Now do we wear a hat?]]
(set: $Jacket to 1)
(set: $Paranoia to it + 2)
(set: $Anxiety to it + 2)
(set: $Depression to it + 2)This jacket is amazing and ultra comfy. It doesn’t accentuate anything and hides quite a bit, but since it’s a male-cut jacket, it's quite big, and makes you feel a bit like a child wearing adult clothing. You wish there were more men's clothing you could actually wear.
[[Now do we wear a hat?]]
(set: $Jacket to 2)
(set: $Paranoia to it - 2)
(set: $Anxiety to it + 1)
(set: $Depression to it + 3)Hats are pretty great, they take no time and you can just shove one on as a cool accessory. But doing your hair always makes you feel better, even though it takes a bunch of time. What look are we going for today?
[[Let's go with the hat.]]
(if: $Rest < 0) [[[Let's do our hair today.]]](else:) [~~Let's do our hair today.~~]Well lookit you. The hat makes you look more masculine and you don’t have to worry about how your hair looks. Completes your outfit pretty well.
[[Guess we finally have to go to school.]]
(set: $Hat to 1)
(set: $Paranoia to it - 1)
(set: $Anxiety to it - 1)
(set: $Depression to it - 1)(if: (either: 1, 2, 3, 4) is 1 or 2 or 3) [Class goes by pretty quickly, and the professor zooms through the lecture. You have a question but are too busy with taking notes to raise your hand. We're gonna need to ask the professor about it, should we ask after class? We could also email him, that way you can just do it later.
[[I'm lazy, let's send an email.]]
[[We're already here, let's just go up and ask the professor.]]]
(else:) [Class goes by pretty quickly, the professor zooms through the lecture and is now taking a 5 minute break. In the rumbling noise of people talking to each other and zipping up backpacks, you suddenly become very aware of your surroundings. Every conversation and glance at you becomes very apparent, and your mind can't help but wander.
Everything sounds like it could be related to you. Were they talking about you? Were they questioning you? Why did they keep looking at you? Was it because they can't figure out what you are? Why do they have to know? Do you smile at them? Glare at them? What if they're talking badly about you? But they don't even know you.
You suddenly realize you haven't been breathing for a while, if anything it's only been shallow breaths. Your hands are begin to shake. Your eyes begin to twitch, looking in every direction. You feel like in any second you'll burst out in tears.
[[I need to leave.]]]This worked out great and he never had the chance to misgender you! Good stuff. You didn’t have to talk to him or expose your pre-T voice. It took him longer to respond, and you feel a little awkward since you had an entire formal exchange just for one question. But, you feel good.
[[Let's go hang out with some friends.]]
(set: $Rest to it + 3)
(set: $Paranoia to it - 3)
(set: $Anxiety to it - 1)
(set: $Depression to it - 3)(if: (either: 1, 2, 3) is 1 or 2) [He addresses you with, "Well hello Ma'am, what can I help you with today?"
Ma’am makes you extremely uncomfortable. You hate this. You regret coming up to ask your question and you almost forget it as soon as the word comes out of his mouth. You suddenly feel extremely self-conscious. You don’t want to talk because it reinforces the fact you are probably female due to your high-pitched voice. Do you correct him?
[[Obviously.]]
[[No, let's avoid the confrontation.]]]
(else:) [He addresses you with, "Well hello Sir, how can I help you?"
Sir makes you feel really good about yourself. It’s a bit weird to hear due to it's formal vibes but it makes you feel good! You pass to random passerby strangers! Well he’s not a complete rando b/c he’s the professor but still! First meeting, and he didn’t misgender you! What a guy you are. You look good. Makes you feel.. Like a real man.
[[Let's go hang out with some friends.]]
(set: $Paranoia to it - 5)
(set: $Anxiety to it - 5)
(set: $Depression to it - 5)](if: (either: 0, 1) is 0) [Ah, they make you feel so much better. You almost forget about everything bad that happened that day. You joke around, laugh, get embarrassed, and have all the fun you could ever have. You feel no judgement, you are looked at as one in the same, as if you all share a single brain cell. Nobody ever questions who you are or what you use, because they found out once and have never needed to question or correct themselves. They respect and love you. And you love them.
[[Let's go home.]]
(set: $Rest to it + 5)
(set: $Paranoia to it - 5)
(set: $Anxiety to it - 5)
(set: $Depression to it - 5)]
(else:) [You have some amazing times with this group. You joke around with each other and screw around, playing as if no one can possibly be different. But you hate being the only POC in the group. You hate that you’re the only “different” one. You’re the only non-hetero, the only non-cis. But it’s okay. Because they don’t treat you that differently. Sometimes they forget to correct themselves or make jokes that make you a bit uncomfortable, but it’s okay. Probably, right? I mean it’s not like it’s that bad or it really hurts your feelings. They’re your friends, they don’t mean to hurt you, and you know they respect your identity. They just.. Get it wrong sometimes. That’s fine, right? It’s okay.
[[Let's go home.]]
(set: $Rest to it + 2)
(set: $Paranoia to it - 2)
(set: $Anxiety to it + 3)
(set: $Depression to it + 3)]You correct him and he pauses to look at you before giving you an “Oh... Oh I’m so sorry. That was my fault for assuming....Um. Did you have a question?” As if immediately moving on from the conversation would prevent you from thinking about it for the rest of the day.
Was it your fault? Did you dress weird? You didn’t even get to talk so it wasn’t your voice, right? Why did he pause? Was he judging you? At least he knows now, right?
[[Let's go hang out with some friends.]]
(set: $Rest to it - 4)
(set: $Paranoia to it + 3)
(set: $Anxiety to it + 2)
(set: $Depression to it + 3)You move on as quickly as possible, as if immediately moving on from the conversation would prevent you from thinking about it for the rest of the day. Was it your fault? Did you dress weird? You didn’t even get to talk so it wasn’t your voice, right? Why did he even say Ma’am? Who says that anymore? Why did he assume?
[[Let's go hang out with some friends.]]
(set: $Rest to it - 5)
(set: $Paranoia to it + 5)
(set: $Anxiety to it + 5)
(set: $Depression to it + 5)The day is over. You've had a.. semi-productive day. But, how do you feel?
(if: $Rest > 0) [You're looking pretty rested.] (else:) [You look tired.]
(if: $Paranoia < 5) [You aren't that paranoid about your masculinity.] (else:) [You've been worried about how other people look at you all day.]
(if: $Anxiety < 7) [You're surprisingly calm and collected.] (else:) [You hands haven't stopped shaking in a while.]
(if: $Depression < 7) [You're feeling okay about moving onto the next day.] (else:) [You can't help but feel exhausted and shitty.]
(if: $Total < 0) [[[Ending 1.]]](else:) [~~Ending 1.~~]
(if: $Total > 0 and $Total < 20) [[[Ending 2.]]](else:) [~~Ending 2.~~]
(if: $Total >= 20) [[[Ending 3.]]](else:) [~~Ending 3.~~]This always takes a long time. You've got so many hair products to use and techniques that require extra patience. But does the result pay off? Hell yeah it does! Puff it up to make your jaw look more masculine! Use masculine smelling products that make you smell like a badass! Boost up that confidence because you should learn to love you. Even if most times, you don't.
[[Guess we finally have to go to school.]]
(set: $Paranoia to it - 2)
(set: $Anxiety to it - 2)
(set: $Depression to it - 2)You can enter men's bathroom with less fear, and you have some bulge in your pants! It's a bit unusual to be so excited about that, but it makes you feel good. Even just this makes you feel a lot more masculine. The empty space between your actual genitals and your underwear isn't weird now either.
It is a bit uncomfortable to have loose silicone in your underwear, and you fear people will question you about suddenly having a bulge you don't normally have. You'll be okay though! Probably.
[[Time to put on a chest binder.]]
[[Time to put on a shirt.]]
(set: $Packer to 1)
(set: $Anxiety to it + 1)
(set: $Depression to it - 1)
(set: $Paranoia to it + 2)Your chest binder is a bit uncomfortable, but it does all the right things you want it to do. It flattens your chest, it squares out your torso, straightens your posture, and you are much less afraid to puff your chest out when you want to. You feel good. You can't take large deep breaths or run very far without having to stop, you can't wear something this tight for more than 8 hours or during any outdoor activities involving water, you need to handwash it and make sure you hide it from your family, but it's worth it!
Right?
[[Time to put on a shirt.]]
(set: $Binder to 1)
(set: $Anxiety to it - 3)
(set: $Depression to it - 1)
(set: $Paranoia to it - 3)Worst Ending: You feel absolutely horrendous. You don’t even have the energy to deal with a delivery driver for food, let alone making your own. You curl up into a ball and sit in bed, mindlessly staring at nonsensical videos on your phone while depressing thoughts rush through your mind. You question everything.
What happened? How did this happen? Was it you? Was it your voice? Why did they keep looking at you? Was it because they can't figure out what you are? Was it them? It couldn't have been them, because people base everything off of first looks. Your look was... wrong. I guess. But why was it wrong? Was it your shirt? Was it your body shape? Was it your facial structure? You pick and prod at yourself and everything you hate about yourself for hours.
Apathy prevents you from crying, and you get a migraine instead. The panic attacks from earlier today have left you exhausted but it’s not enough to outweigh your racing mind. You don’t eat. You fall asleep at 4am.
[[Sleep.->Hidden Tracker Time]]Best Ending: You don't feel great because you never do, but you're definitely not awful. You hope tomorrow will be the same, and not worse. Only a few thoughts run through your head before you do some work and go to sleep.
[[Sleep.->Hidden Tracker Time]]Bad Ending: You feel awful. Thoughts race through your mind and you question what happened throughout the day.
What happened? Why did you even try? How did this happen, when the days have gone so great before? Now, you know trying can make it worse.
You buy some delivery so you don’t have to put in any effort, but after dinner you barely get any work done. You curl up in bed and pass out at midnight.
[[Sleep.->Hidden Tracker Time]]As the panic attack gets worse, you realize lecture will start in about a minute. You glance at the door, toward freedom. Somehow you collect yourself just enough to take a deep breath and grab your backpack, speedwalking outside as quickly as possible.
The cold, prickly air calms you down a bit. There's nobody outside, and you find a quiet corner out of the way so sit in. Nobody's here, nobody's looking at you. You're left alone with your thoughts, as if that's any better. You're tired from thinking.
[[Let's go home.]]
(set: $Rest to it - 5)
(set: $Paranoia to it + 10)
(set: $Anxiety to it + 10)
(set: $Depression to it + 10)