Muskrat Simulator

WELCOME TO MUSKRAT SIMULATOR! Your time spent in this simulator will determine the [[perfect match]] for you! Your choices, attitude, and spunky vibes will attract the muskrat born to tango with you and only you. How special! Be careful though, muskrats aren't too forgiving in these parts. ANYWAY! [[LET'S GET READY TO TANGO!]]

//WHAT?// What don't you understand about "Perfect Match"! It means the best tango muskrat partner you could ask for! It's really not that hard to grasp! Oh? You've never tangoed with a muskrat before? Don't fret, thats why we're here. [[GET GOING!->Intro]]

First of all, a little personality test is in order... ''Pick the one you really resonate the most with. You can ask a friend for help but I'd rather you didn't; the muskrats trust their guts and so should you.'' [[I've never played Tetris and I'm ashamed]] [[I bought something on Amazon and it never came but I didn't make a fuss about it because I know they're trying their best and honestly I just can't handle confrontation over the phone]] [[I chew ice.]]

Never? Really? Your shame is valid. You're disgraceful. Love that. Prove yourself then. [[If I drop an M&M on the ground I'll eat it because honestly it's a hard, dry candy and if it touches the ground it's fine no really I got my flu shot it's fine ->CHOICE #1]] [[Literally I would rather perish than have to grab a wet jar out of the fridge->CHOICE #2]]

A nervous one! Excellent. Your type makes for some antsy dancing. So far, no muskrats have come forth. They're waiting, though. Just like you are for the UPS worker to show up at your porch. We have to dig deeper. Look around, what do you see? [[That bag of Expo markers looks real nice, maybe you could use them for something creative.]] [[Oo... Shiny...]] [[A tuft of fur?????? Ew?]]

Nice. //Nice.// We like that. We? Us. The Muskrats. Continue. [[Voices everywhere? It's them... where'd the simulator host go? Is this right?]] [[Am I going to die?]]

Expo markers? Wise choice. Draw, fool. [[You draw the best goddamn picture of Walmart anyone's ever seen. It's better than the engineers did.]]

Gremlin brain, much? Love that. We love that. You've impressed us so far... The Rats Of Musk. We need to see more in order for one of us to choose you. What shiny object had caught your eye? [[A fancy sparkling bar of soap that looks really expensive but probably smells like lemongrass]] [[Literally a nail]]

//''YIKES''// You grabbed the tuft... AND IT BIT YOU! Turns out it was a muskrat tail... ...and he's MAD! [[apologize to him immediately, buffoon!]] [[gently pat him on the head, and explain that war does not solve anything]]

You did the right thing, apologizing. Except Junko the muskrat didn't think so. You immediately perish due to unknown muskrat causes. [[Re-enter the simulator fool.->Intro]]

Junko the muskrat really thinks that was just plain rich of you, just absolutely bonkers you pat his head like that. You just met the guy! Settle down! That was rude. But, it seems it was so stupid, that he's gonna leave you alone. So he can go talk crap on you to his friends. [[Whew! I'll go pick something else->I bought something on Amazon and it never came but I didn't make a fuss about it because I know they're trying their best and honestly I just can't handle confrontation over the phone]]

Fool. Don't question our superiority. [[Go. ->I chew ice.]]

Impossible. You stare God in the eyes and chew ice. You're powerful, we respect that. You may choose one last time to decide your destiny with us Rats Of The Musk. Choose carefully. [[Choose what?]] [[There's a TV Remote on the floor... but no TV...]] [[sneeze]]

FOOL. YOU ARE TOO POWERFUL FOR THIS DOUBT. CHOOSE. [[obey->Am I going to die?]]

Pick up the remote, friend. [[Pick it up and press a random button]]

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WE DO NOT HAVE DANDER. EVER. WE ARE MUSKRATS. NOT DANDER RATS. WHAT IS THERE TO SNEEZE OVER? UNACCEPTABLE. OFFENSIVE. LEWD. //A muskrat darts forward and spits on you. Hundreds others follow until you're literally drowning in muskrat spit. You sneeze again.// [[Immediately you perish. Due to the sheer shame? Inhalation of copious amounts of muskrat spit? Who knows. You perished. ->Intro]]

//Bee Gees plays at a moderate volume in the background// Pleasing. Excellent. Astounding. I have chosen you, as my tango partner. //A black, sleek muskrat named Scrunch emerges from the shadows. He's wearing a tiny white bowtie, and he is very handsome. Almost frighteningly so, for a small wiggly lad such as he.// [[Come, it's time.]]

You tango until your feet fall off, this is what you've been waiting for. You are lifelong tango partners, Scrunch teaches you the secrets of the art. You learn what you never would have thought you would. You learn the Bee Gees are actually good, that the shoes at Big 5 are overpriced and you can just go to Ross for tango shoes, that you can throw a muskrat so far in the air it's ridiculous, fabulous, wonderful and thrilling. Scrunch has chosen you. [[Live a lifetime of happiness with Scrunch and his tango tendencies, reincarnate, and start over ->Intro]]

I........... we..... We're amazed..... We didn't know you had such talent..... Hank.. Go. You're perfect, buddy. Don't forget that. //Hank emerges from the shadows and greets you. He's tan, with a tiny hat atop his soft head. He has an extremely pleased and wholesome expression on his face. You feel like you've known Hank your whole life.// [[Be with Hank, tango with him like never before.]]

*sniff... snifff...* Wow is that.... lemongrass??? //Gerald the muskrat emerges from the shadows. He's got his cute lil nose up, sniffin' in all that lemongrass glory.// My gosh, I haven't smelled that since... since... I last stayed at a Best Western.... [[Give him the soap... give the man the soap...]]

Wow that's kinda dangerous..... love that.... But.... what was it? What kind? What kind of nail? Been to Home Depot lately with the boys? [[It's a Grip-Rite 3 in. x 0.120 Plastic Exterior Galvanized Ring Shank Nail ->FINAL DECIDING CHOICE #1]] [[It's a Paslode 3 in. x 0.120-Gauge 30-Degree Brite Smooth Shank Paper Tape Framing Nail ->FINAL DECIDING CHOICE #2]]

EXCUSE ME? YOU DARE? IN OUR PRESENCE? DISRESPECT THE M&M? D I S P L E A S I N G. UNCLEAN. NOW PERISH. [[You perish instantly with the power of a thousand muskrats forcibly throwing themselves on top of you, crushing you with their soft squishy bodies. Weep, then start over. ->Intro]]

//Dozens of rustling noises as muskrats nod in agreement in the shadows// Yeah, yeah, that's like, totally understandable. You're so valid. So valid. //A lanky, tan and spotty muskrat emerges. She holds a small daisy in her hand.// So like, how do you like, feel about flowers? Like, the plant kind, you know? [[One time I astral projected into Walmart so that I could watch the frogs in the garden department vibe ->FINAL CHOICE #1]] [[Rad. Ever seen a Potoo bird? Seen their eyes? ->FINAL CHOICE #2]]

Hank offers you a small piece of cookie dough he had grasped in his little gloved hand. You take it, and it's amazing. He made it himself. Nice. You tango with Hank until the break of dawn, and he becomes your lifelong tango partner. You move in together, get a goldfish, and decorate your apartment with minimalistic art bought at the local studio. Life is good, and tango is life. [[Perish after a long, tango filled life and reincarnate to start over. ->Intro]]

Really!? You say so??? //Velcro emerges from the shadows, a small handful of Grip-Rite 3 in. x 0.120 Plastic Exterior Galvanized Ring Shank nails in his little paws.// Wow. So it is. They're a perfect match. //Velcro takes the nail you found and places them in with the rest and gives them a jangle.// I always love me this brand. It really do be special, they don't be rustin' any time soon. That's the galvanizin' for ya!! //Velcro shakes his little muskrat tail and gives the nails another jangle. // [[Ready, partner?]]

WOW. You know your stuff......... Eunice likes that. Eunice my man, give 'em the box. Go on. //Eunice nervously steps forward with a box of Paslode 3 in. x 0.120-Gauge 30-Degree Brite Smooth Shank Paper Tape Framing nails and gives them a jangle. You smile warmly and he hands you a couple nails.// Ready to... nail this tango? //You tango with Eunice to the beat of stomping muskrat feet and the jangle of nails; a tune you'll never tire of. Eunice shows you his favorite Home Depot aisle with the showerheads and accompanying bathroom hardware, and you show him your favorite floorboards. You literally could not have found a better muskrat to tango with. Eunice and you share tips on how to build the most sturdiest deck, and he tells you what products are actually a deal at Harbor Freight. You tango until your floor wears out, and Eunice fixes it with great excitement. Your pantry has boxes of nails in it. Just the way you like it.// [[Tango, tango, and tango some more until your home improvements are complete. Eunice is proud. You remember that home improvements are never truly complete, and leave with Eunice to buy more nails. Life is good. ->Intro]]

Like??? REALLY??? Wow like... I just really feel like... I can vibe so hard with you... What's your star sign? [[Tinker jabbers with you until dusk, tango'ing all the way. By the time 3am hits, you know each other's blood types and have already filled each other in on the extensive history of your parents messy court cases. Tinker tells you all about her tax evasion and where she buys her hydroflasks. Wow. You have literally never vibed with someone so hard before. Amazing. You two tango until the next horoscope comes out. You read it. You tango some more. Life is perfect. ->Intro]]

Oh My God Like, yeah Whack. They got them... like... big ol' eyes. They really do. They really really do. //Tinker steps back and hands her flower to another muskrat; she's sleek and fluffy at the same time. Muskrats just kinda be that way. Bingo. She waddles over to you with a joyful expression and takes a chomp out of the flower. She offers it to you.// [[You take the flower, and you also take a chomp out of it. Sweet. Solidarity. Bingo liked that. She grins the biggest muskrat grin and takes your hand. You step out into the sunlight and tango until you've found enough flowers to make yourself a flowercrown and Bingo a muskrat sized flowercrown, and then you tango some more. It's like it was destiny. You tango in the flowers until you have to take some Benadryl. It's ok though, that's how it was supposed to be. Bingo brings you a different kind of flower every day. Where's she get em all? Who knows. Tango, just tango. ->Intro]]

For me? Oh my... //Gerald blushes. He tucks the soap in his muskrat pocket.// And now, a dance? //Gerald reaches out a delicate paw and you take it; it's warm and soft. Nice. You tango until you have to use your inhaler. He cups your finger in his little paws and promises to be your tango partner until the end of time. Your bathroom is filled with lemongrass soaps collected at various locations of Best Western and Best Western PlusTM. You tango and tango for decades to come, not a care in the world.// [[Tango in your casket long past death, and reincarnate to begin a new muskrat journey ->Intro]]

You grab some of the nails and jangle them in return, pleasing Velcro to no extent. He jangles excitedly back. And so on. Truly, no one has ever jangled together like this in the extent of muskrat history. You jangle and tango and tangle and jango with Velcro for a ridiculous amount of immeasurable time. Long walks through Mendo Mill and Ace Hardware only further solidify your bond. Amazing, just amazing. You and Velcro talk for hours about different grits of sandpaper and tango like no other has ever tangoed before. [[Jangle those nails and never stop. ->Intro]]

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WELCOME TO MUSKRAT SIMULATOR!

Your time spent in this simulator will determine the

perfect match

for you! Your choices, attitude, and spunky vibes will attract the muskrat born to tango with you and only you.

How special!

Be careful though, muskrats aren't too forgiving in these parts.

ANYWAY!

LET'S GET READY TO TANGO!