The Nature of Feedback

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This isn't real life. Must be a simulation. [[AI Terminated]]

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You wake up. You didn't choose to. (It seems you never do.) You check your phone. It's a Thursday. [[Go back to sleep->Go Back to Sleep - Thursday]] [[Look around->Apartment Room - Looking Around - Thursday]]

"Looking around" is too active to be fair. Your eyes wander. The world is there. Well, part of the world. Some very small, insignificant part of the world. Your [[aparment->Apartment Room]]: a haven, a cell.

{ <script> if(!a_IsPlaying(a_ApartmentMusic)) a_ApartmentMusic.volume = 0.0; a_Play(a_ApartmentMusic); </script> (live: 0.1s) [<script> if(a_ApartmentMusic.volume + 0.005 <= 0.15) a_ApartmentMusic.volume += 0.005; </script>] } The apartment is tiny. Cozy, perhaps. The bed beneath you lays along most of the far wall. ("Far" might be a bit of a stretch.) Across from you, on the left there is a small, tidy kitchen area, with a table against the wall. There are two chairs, one pulled out, the other as it always is. Above the table, murky curtains are drawn across a [[window->City From The Apartment]] Across from you, on the right, there are two doors. One, to the bathroom. The other, the outside. Along the right wall, are a dressor and a desk. On top of the dresser, drawers resting slighty ajar, is a pile of cloths haphazadously piled high. Next to this are a few [[photos->Apartment Photos]] propped up in frames. The desk is a dusty mess, open laptop nestled by loose papers. Speakers stand at the back corners like gargoyles. A {(if: $gHeartbreaker_bUpdated)[<span class='pedal_Updated'>[[pink guitar pedal->Apartment Heartbreaker]]</span>] (else:)[ [[pink guitar pedal->Apartment Heartbreaker]] ]}, still amid the mess. In front of the desk is a worn, black swivelling chair. Beside it, perpetually in the way, is the [[guitar->Apartment Guitar]], an amp, and another {(if: $gAnxietyinducer_bUpdated)[<span class='pedal_Updated'>[[guitar pedal->Apartment Anxietyinducer]]</span>] (else:)[ [[guitar pedal->Apartment Anxietyinducer]] ]}, this one a grainy black. { (if: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel is 1) [ Perhaps you can [[escape->Sleep - Thursday Night]] in sleep. ] (if: $nGuitarPlayingLevel is 3) [ A [[walk->Forest Walk - Friday 01]] sounds nice. It might be good for you too. ] }

{(if: not $Apartment_Window_Visited)[ (set: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel to $gMicro_AnxietyLevel + 1) ] (set: $Apartment_Window_Visited to true) (if: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel is 2) [ <Script> a_HeartbeatController.SetCurrentSpeed(0); a_HeartbeatController.SetMasterVolume(a_Heartbeat_V0); a_HeartbeatController.Play(); </script> ] (elseif: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel is 4) [ <script> a_HeartbeatController.SetCurrentSpeed(1); a_HeartbeatController.SetMasterVolume(a_Heartbeat_V1); a_HeartbeatController.Play(); </script> ] } You draw the curtain to the side and crack the window. The world rushes in. Buildings enclose the view, growing endlessly out of sight in both directions, fading into fog below and clouds above. You look down... (Or is that up?) You hear a faint siren (must be down after all.) A weird array of murky, faded, neon colored lights decorate the buildings around you. Some windows are open. Most are closed. You see movement in a couple of them. Even the life feels lifeless. { (if: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel is 3) [Except you spot a window, open with plants sucking in air through the screan. Little signs drawn in marker, are taped up haphazardously, naming the plants and describing their personalities. The face out. ("Greg, the optimist" you see.) Someone gave their time to do this.] } { (if: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel is 3) [ [[Look around->Apartment Room - Look Around]] ] (else:) [ [[Zone out->Apartment Room - Zone Out]] ] }

{(if: not $Apartment_Photos_Visited)[ (set: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel to $gMicro_AnxietyLevel + 1) ] (set: $Apartment_Photos_Visited to true) (if: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel is 2) [ <Script> a_HeartbeatController.SetCurrentSpeed(0); a_HeartbeatController.SetMasterVolume(a_Heartbeat_V0); a_HeartbeatController.Play(); </script> ] (elseif: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel is 4) [ <script> a_HeartbeatController.SetCurrentSpeed(1); a_HeartbeatController.SetMasterVolume(a_Heartbeat_V1); a_HeartbeatController.Play(); </script> ] } A trio of photos. Your favorite is a small rectangular polaroid of you and a couple of your closest friends. In that other life your best friend had been one of those people that loved polaroids. You still talk. It's just not the same. (Nothing ever can be.) To the side is a picture of your old dog. The most golden of retrievers. She is gone now. Time has its ways. Finally, there is a picture of you with your family. You know they will always support you. You know they will always be there for you. But you worry about what lies behind their supportive words. Even with family, things have to change. { (if: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel is 3) [You can change with them though. For them even.] } { (if: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel is 3) [ [[Look around->Apartment Room - Look Around]] ] (else:) [ [[Zone out->Apartment Room - Zone Out]] ] }

{(if: not $Apartment_Guitar_Visited)[ (set: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel to $gMicro_AnxietyLevel + 1) ] (set: $Apartment_Guitar_Visited to true) (if: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel is 2) [ <Script> a_HeartbeatController.SetCurrentSpeed(0); a_HeartbeatController.SetMasterVolume(a_Heartbeat_V0); a_HeartbeatController.Play(); </script> ] (elseif: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel is 4) [ <script> a_HeartbeatController.SetCurrentSpeed(1); a_HeartbeatController.SetMasterVolume(a_Heartbeat_V1); a_HeartbeatController.Play(); </script> ] } A Fender. A knock off. Dim red finish chipped with love. The discoloration on the neck calls for a gentle hand to hold it again. You used to get so much comfort from playing this guitar... (if: $nGuitarPlayingLevel is 0) [ [[Play->Apartment Guitar - Play 0]] ] (elseif: $nGuitarPlayingLevel is 2 or $nGuitarPlayingLevel is 3) [ [[Play->Apartment Guitar - Play 1]] ] (else:) [ <span class='inactive'>[[Play->Apartment Guitar - Play 0]]</span> ] { (if: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel is 3) [ [[Look around->Apartment Room - Look Around]] ] (else:) [ [[Zone out->Apartment Room - Zone Out]] ] }

{ (if: not $Apartment_Heartbreaker_Visited)[ (set: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel to $gMicro_AnxietyLevel + 1) ] (set: $Apartment_Heartbreaker_Visited to true) <script> a_PlayFromBeginning(a_CableNoise); </script> (if: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel is 2) [ <Script> a_HeartbeatController.SetCurrentSpeed(0); a_HeartbeatController.SetMasterVolume(a_Heartbeat_V0); a_HeartbeatController.Play(); </script> ] (elseif: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel is 4) [ <script> a_HeartbeatController.SetCurrentSpeed(1); a_HeartbeatController.SetMasterVolume(a_Heartbeat_V1); a_HeartbeatController.Play(); </script> ] } "HEARTBREAKER" it reads across the top in bold, jagged red. (How fitting.) You feel a tug in your stomach. (set: $gHeartbreaker_bUpdated to false) It has two nobs on it: "Allure" and "Regret". "Allure" is set to $gHeartbreaker_Allure. "Regret", to $gHeartbreaker_Regret. { (if: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel is 3) [ (link: "Look around") [ <script> a_Stop(a_CableNoise); </script> (goto: 'Apartment Room - Look Around') ] ] (else:) [ (link: "Zone out") [ <script> a_Stop(a_CableNoise); </script> (goto: 'Apartment Room - Zone Out') ] ] }

{ (if: not $Apartment_Anxietyinducer_Visited)[ (set: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel to $gMicro_AnxietyLevel + 1) ] (set: $Apartment_Anxietyinducer_Visited to true) <script> a_PlayFromBeginning(a_CableNoise); </script> (if: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel is 2) [ <Script> a_HeartbeatController.SetCurrentSpeed(0); a_HeartbeatController.SetMasterVolume(a_Heartbeat_V0); a_HeartbeatController.Play(); </script> ] (elseif: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel is 4) [ <script> a_HeartbeatController.SetCurrentSpeed(1); a_HeartbeatController.SetMasterVolume(a_Heartbeat_V1); a_HeartbeatController.Play(); </script> ] } "ANXIETY INDUCER" is printed in cold, unmoving letters. (set: $gAnxietyinducer_bUpdated to false) It has two nobs on it: "Noise" and "Feedback", and one switch: "Mode". "Noise" is set to $gAnxietyinducer_Noise. "Feedback", to $gAnxietyinducer_Feedback. "Mode" is set to "$gAnxietyinducer_Mode". { (if: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel is 3) [ (link: "Look around") [ <script> a_Stop(a_CableNoise); </script> (goto: 'Apartment Room - Look Around') ] ] (else:) [ (link: "Zone out") [ <script> a_Stop(a_CableNoise); </script> (goto: 'Apartment Room - Zone Out') ] ] }

(set: $gHeartbreaker_Allure to 10) (set: $gHeartbreaker_Regret to 65) (set: $gHeartbreaker_bUpdated to false) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Noise to 20) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Feedback to 25) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Mode to "copable") (set: $gAnxietyinducer_bUpdated to false)

(set: $nWaitingAchieved to 0) (set: $nGuitarPlayingLevel to 0)

(set: $Apartment_Window_Visited to false) (set: $Apartment_Guitar_Visited to false) (set: $Apartment_Photos_Visited to false) (set: $Apartment_Heartbreaker_Visited to false) (set: $Apartment_Anxietyinducer_Visited to false)

Your eyes wander. The world is there. Well, part of the world. Some very small, insignificant part of the world. { (if: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel is 1) [ Your [[aparment->Apartment Room]]: a haven, a cell. ] (else:) [ (if: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel is < 4) [ Your [[aparment->Apartment Room]]: a haven, a cell. ] (elseif: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel is 4) [ Your [[aparment->Apartment Room]]: a cell. ] (else:) [ {<script> a_HeartbeatController.SetCurrentSpeed(2); a_HeartbeatController.SetMasterVolume(a_Heartbeat_V2); </script>} (if: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel is 0) [ A small insignificant part that seems to be [[getting smaller... ->Panic Attack - Thursday Morning 01]] ] (elseif: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel is 2) [ A small insignificant part that seems to be [[getting smaller...->Panic Attack - Friday 01]] ] ] ] }

(set: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel to 0) (set: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel to 0) (set: $gMacro_AnxietyLevel to 2)

{ <script> a_Stop(a_ApartmentMusic); a_ResonanceFeedback.Play(); </script> } The walls are caving in. Fears materialize in front of you. You have to go to work soon. [[Zone out->Panic Attack - Thursday Morning 02]]

... You just can't right now. Things are wrong. It's not supposed to be like this. [[Give up->Apartment Guitar]] (set: $nGuitarPlayingLevel to 1)

It's a Thursday. Your mind begins to move. You wish it would stop. You can't go back to sleep. [[Look around->Apartment Room - Looking Around - Thursday]]

You can't zone out. Your mind is in a feedback loop. Your eyes dart, desparately searching for an escape. The world is there. TOO there. The small insignificant part of the world is significant. It's trapping you, draining you. Why are you here anyways? Your eyes catch on the pictures on your dressor. Perhaps an [[escape->Panic Attack - Thursday Morning 03]] into the familiar...

Look how happy you are. (Will you ever feel that again?) Look how much love there is. (Why does love have to be so fluid in nature?) You will always love your family. You will always love your friends. But why must time always be chasing you, driving you and everyone you know fleeing in different directions? (Chasing their dreams. All off chasing their dreams, or finding their lives. They are just scared of running out of time.) And here you are, just like the others. Except you don't know why you are doing it. You just feel scared, and alone. You must be running out of time before work. [[Check the time->Panic Attack - Thursday Morning 04]]

It feels like an hour has passed. It's been five minutes. You still have time to collect yourself before work. Your eyes catch on the guitar. Perhaps [[escape->Panic Attack - Thursday Morning 05]] like you used to...

You just can't right now. Things are wrong. It's not supposed to be like this. You aren't good enough to play guitar anyways. All the time you spent with the guitar. It was all just a child noodling. Nothing worthy of time. Nothing worthy of attention. Nothing worthy of happiness. (Why can't you just be content like you used to be? Why can't you just be happy?) The walls seem to be touching you now. Suffocating you. [[Check the time->Panic Attack - Thursday Morning 06]]

Shit. You are out of time. Some distant part of you laughs: (What's new...) You have to go to work. Even in this state you have to go. You can't skip on your first week here. That would only bury you under another layer of dirt. You know this to be true. But still it seems so difficult to follow through. It almost seems impossible. You grab your stuff. [[Open the door->Apartment Exit - Thursday Morning]]

Your hand fumbles on the door handle. (You can't even open a door.) You get a grip (on the doorhandle) and pull. The door opens and you thrust out before you can think not to. You walk down the hall the unbeaten way. You can't risk meeting people in the elavator right now. [[Take the stairs down->On The Way to Work - Thursday Morning 01]]

It's amazing they still even have stairs in building this tall. The physical activity helps you. Unfortunately though, your brain is attached, and your thought come with you like a parasite. Endlessly, you circle down flights of stairs. Endlessly, in another reality, you do the same, only upward, inward. You aren't sure which one is more real anymore. [[Loop...->On The Way to Work - Thursday Morning 02]]

You reach the bottom floor. You aren't sure if it was an eternity or an instant. You pull on your hood to hide yourself and [[step outside.->On The Way to Work - Thursday Morning 03]]

On the street you imagine horrible looks. Sneering grins. Plotting against you. You get nothing. Only the normal grunts and cold shoulders. No one cares enough to react that way. You aren't sure what's worse. It's a quick three blocks. You make it to work. Perhaps an [[escape->Work - Thursday Morning]] into the mundane, the necessary.

You start the motions. Fade into the background. Maybe you can finally zone out. [[Turn your brain off->Back From Work Thursday Night]]

{<script> a_HeartbeatController.Stop(); a_HeartbeatController.SetCurrentSpeed(0); a_ResonanceFeedback.Stop(); </script>} It works. The door clicks as it closes behind you. You drop your stuff and slump into bed. You are physically and mentally exhausted. [[Zone out.->Apartment Room - Zone Out]] (set: $gMacro_AnxietyLevel to 3) (set: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel to 1) (set: $nGuitarPlayingLevel to 0) (set: $gHeartbreaker_Allure to 25) (set: $gHeartbreaker_Regret to 85) (set: $gHeartbreaker_bUpdated to true) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Noise to 50) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Feedback to 65) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Mode to "copable") (set: $gAnxietyinducer_bUpdated to true)

{ <script> a_Stop(a_ApartmentMusic); a_ResonanceFeedback.Play(); </script> } The walls are caving in. Fears materialize in front of you. Why do you keep ending up like this? [[Zone out->Panic Attack - Friday 02]]

{ <script> a_Stop(a_ApartmentMusic); </script> } You flick off the lights. Burrow deeper. Put your head under the covers. Do your best to block out the world. Your are so exhausted it comes easy. [[Disengage your brain->Wake up - Friday Morning]]

You wake up. You didn't choose to. (It seems you never do.) You check your phone. ... It's a Friday, but your boss told you you have the day off. What now. [[Go back to sleep->Go Back to Sleep - Friday]] [[Look around->Apartment Room - Looking Around - Firday]] (set: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel to 2) (set: $gMicro_AnxietyLevel to 0) (set: $Apartment_Window_Visited to false) (set: $Apartment_Guitar_Visited to false) (set: $Apartment_Photos_Visited to false) (set: $Apartment_Heartbreaker_Visited to false) (set: $Apartment_Anxietyinducer_Visited to false) (set: $nGuitarPlayingLevel to 0) (set: $gHeartbreaker_Allure to 35) (set: $gHeartbreaker_Regret to 100) (set: $gHeartbreaker_bUpdated to true) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Noise to 95) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Feedback to 95) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Mode to "inescapable") (set: $gAnxietyinducer_bUpdated to true)

You flip the covers higher over your shoulders. Burrow deeper. Put your head under the covers. Do your best to block out the world. You still feel worn out from yesterday. And your brain hasn't really woken up yet. [[Disengage your brain->Went Back to Sleep - Friday]]

You wake up. You didn't choose to. (It seems you never do.) You check your phone. It's only been 10 minutes. Mostly rolling uneasily. It's a Friday, but your boss told you you have the day off. What now. [[Go back to sleep->Go Back to Sleep - Friday]] [[Look around->Apartment Room - Looking Around - Firday]]

{ <script> a_Stop(a_ApartmentMusic); </script> } You bring nothing. It just seems right. And truly, nothing seems particularly helpful or worth having right now. You open the door. No fumble this time. And you take the [[elavator->Forest Walk - Friday 02]].

The elavator stops at floor 77. A human being walks on. They nod to you, briefly phasing into your world, before returning solely to their own. You remember that you, too, are a human being. (For whatever that's worth.) ... More stops. And more human beings. More little worlds, briefly intertwining in the smallest of ways. More little worlds, entirely, save that single moment, apart. ... The elavator stops at floor 00. The doors open. You [[walk out->Forest Walk - Friday 03]].

You exit the building and begin walking. Buildings stretch upwards in all direction, disappering into the clouds above. (You haven't seen the sky since getting here.) Odd groupings of people (Collections. Swarms...) move through the streets. They are alone. Yet together they seem to form some sort of web, some sort of comb, some sort of hive. You don't know your place in it. But maybe that's ok. You continue to walk. [[Look around->Forest Walk - Friday 04]].

You look around. The world is there. This huge mecha of the world is there. Such a large concentration of the world is there. It's so zoomed out you can't focus. Your legs wander, and so YOU wander. The world is there. The world is there. The world is always there. No matter how far you go. It is still there. Ever changing, always new, the world is there. It's exciting. It's terrifying. It's waiting for you. [[Keep walking->Forest Walk - Friday 05]].

The city abrutly transitions to forest. (Or does it?) It seems, in some ways still, to be city. Yet even so, evergreen trees stretch away above you, some small, some large, some bigger than you thought possible. And even the buildings seem to be intertwined with the greenery. There is a [[path->Forest Clearing - Friday]] nearby.

You come to a clearing. Or should it be called a cave? Dense layers of branching intertwine above you, creating a ceiling lower, even, than the clouds. (The sky is even farther away...) A bed of needles give the ground a spongy feeling. You sink in a little with every step. It's feels like the ground is lowering your feet gently to rest on the earth. There is something magical about this place. A place always changing, yet always still. You can't seem to orient yourself in this place. You can still remember, at least, the way you came from. Nearby there is a stunted stump. (Its mangled twisted wood reminds you of your arm. That wasn't long ago. Yet it was. You are comforted by this thought.) It looks good for sitting, grasping you tightly in it's smooth embrace. It faces towards a tree. A special looking tree. [[Sit on the stump->Forest Space Out]]

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You can't zone out. Your mind is in a feedback loop. Your eyes dart, desparately searching for an escape. The world is there. TOO there. The small insignificant part of the world is significant. It's trapping you, draining you. Why are you here anyways? (Asking clearly doesn't help.) Your eyes catch on the pictures on your dressor. Perhaps an [[escape->Panic Attack - Friday 03]] into the familiar...

Look how happy you are. (Will you ever feel that again?) Look how much love there is. (Why does love have to be so fluid in nature?) You will always love your family. You will always love your friends. But why must time always be chasing you, driving you and everyone you know fleeing in different directions? (Chasing their dreams. All off chasing their dreams, or finding their lives. They are just scared of running out of time.) And here you are, just like the other. Except you don't know why you are doing it. You just feel scared, and alone. This all seems so familiar. You've been in this feedback loop before. Is there just going to be your life now? Your eyes catch on the guitar. Perhaps [[escape->Panic Attack - Friday 04]] like you used to...

You breath. You are breathing so much. But still your seem to be suffocating. Your arms feel stiff. You look in panic, yet also peaceful resignation at your right arm. It is curling in, like it's clutching at something. It reminds you of a wilting flower, slowly collapsing in on itself as it dies. You try to move your arm. It is stiff as wood, your arm like a gnarled knot. You are lightheaded, feel like you might pass out. (You must be hyperventilating...) The discovery only makes it feel more real. Your eyes catch on a tangled instrument cable. Anything [[escape->Panic Attack - Friday 06]] from your thoughts...

You brain feels like the cable. You spin furiously, endlessly through a feedback loop, your thoughts gaining purchase, gaining stregnth, gaining power over you with every revolution. You can only wait to for a circuit to buzz, for the signal to clip, for a speaker to blow, for the current to reach infinity. Maybe there you will find calm. [[...->Panic Attack - Friday 07]]

[[...->Panic Attack - Friday 08]]

[[...->Panic Attack - Friday 09]]

[[...->Panic Attack - Friday 10]]

This isn't sustainable. This isn't living. You call your friend. The tears boil over even stronger when you hear there voice. (They always seems to bring you to your core.) They tell you it is going to be ok. They talk to you about little things. They distract you from yourself. It still isn't quite like it used to be, but it is good. It is needed. You [[get lost->Panic Attack - Friday 11]] in them, for a moment.

{<script> a_HeartbeatController.Stop(); a_HeartbeatController.SetCurrentSpeed(0); a_ResonanceFeedback.Stop(); </script>} You aren't sure quite how long it has been. You feel ok now. It feels good to have at least talked to somebody. You say goodbye. They make sure you will be ok and hang up. Your phone screen stays lit, displaying "call ended" for a long moment. You hold your breath. [[Look around...->Apartment Room - Look Around]] (set: $gMacro_AnxietyLevel to 3) (set: $gMacro_GameProgressionLevel to 3) (set: $nGuitarPlayingLevel to 2) (set: $gHeartbreaker_Allure to 30) (set: $gHeartbreaker_Regret to 25) (set: $gHeartbreaker_bUpdated to true) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Noise to 30) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Feedback to 20) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Mode to "copable") (set: $gAnxietyinducer_bUpdated to true)

You look around. Your eyes search. Your [[aparment->Apartment Room]]: a haven, a cell.

{ <script> a_Pause(a_ApartmentMusic); a_PlayFromBeginning(a_GuitarPlayingMusic); </script> } It's ok to feel this way. You play. You stumble and fall over the notes. (It's been too long since you've played.) But you feel the pressure inside you spill out into melody nonetheless. Noodling, improvising. Playing whatever comes from within. Your hand fits right into the groove like it used to. You aren't a proffesional. You aren't breaking any new grounds, or making grown men cry. But you feel alive, in some way you haven't in a long time. You feel content just to sit and play. You let time gently drift past you. (link: "Stop playing") [ <script> a_Stop(a_GuitarPlayingMusic); a_Play(a_ApartmentMusic); </script> (goto: 'Apartment Guitar') ] (if: $nGuitarPlayingLevel is 2) [ (set: $nGuitarPlayingLevel to 3) (set: $gHeartbreaker_Allure to 45) (set: $gHeartbreaker_Regret to 15) (set: $gHeartbreaker_bUpdated to true) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Noise to 10) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Feedback to 10) (set: $gAnxietyinducer_Mode to "residual") (set: $gAnxietyinducer_bUpdated to true) ]

... [[Sound Check]]