Polydopamine (PDA) is a simple and versatile conformal coating material that has been proposed for a variety of uses; however in practice its performance is often hindered by poor mechanical properties and high roughness. Here, we show that blue-diode laser annealing dramatically improves mechanical performance and reduces roughness of PDA coatings. Laser-annealed PDA (LAPDA) was shown to be >100-fold more scratch resistant than pristine PDA and even better than hard inorganic substrates, which we attribute to partial graphitization and covalent coupling between PDA subunits during annealing. Moreover, laser annealing provides these benefits while preserving other attractive properties of PDA, as demonstrated by the superior biofouling resistance of antifouling polymer-grafted LAPDA compared to PDA modified with the same polymer. Our work suggests that laser annealing may allow the use of PDA in mechanically demanding applications previously considered inaccessible, without sacrificing the functional versatility that is so characteristic of PDA.