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Open Access Publications from the University of California

Zombie vs. Yuppies

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You open your eyes slowly, allowing them to adjust to the light. You look around, wondering where youare and how you got there. The last thing you remember is getting drunk and playing truth or dare withyour zombie friends in the forest. You suddenly pay attention to the sounds around you and rememberwhat happened. You had pissed off your friend by daring them to talk with the hippies in the Kresgegarden about psychedelic mushrooms. Once the hippies realized she was a zombie, they wouldn't stopcomplimenting her on how sustainable the zombie-lifestyle is. It took her four hours to escape. Asrevenge, she dared you to the unthinkable: go downtown on the evening of First Friday. Now, normallyyou hand handle a yuppie or two. They tell you about how much of an ally they are to the zombies, howthey were very much opposed to the zombie killings occurring throughout the country, and how there'sa zombie that regularly attends their book club, so they're definitely not prejudiced or anything. Withonly a few yuppies to deal with, it’s easy to profusely thank them for their support before they move on.But there aren’t just a few. Its First Friday, and the yuppies are out in droves, tasting local olive oil andbuying into capitalist notions of sustainability. You know that once you get outside they'll swarm you inattempts to prove how great of allies they are, but with so many you won't have time to thank each oneprofusely before the ones who haven't been thanked get angry that you're being so ungrateful. Yourealize that to escape, you will need to avoid the yuppies at all costs. Fortunately, you know how toaccess the electrical switches throughout downtown. Unfortunately they were built sustainably, andthus only have two settings, on and different on. That will be enough, as long as you're careful. You takeone last look around the back room of Eco Goods, and prepare to move out.

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