UC San Diego
One Thought on Guilt
- Author(s): Vincze, Dorottya
- Advisor(s): Dolan, Judith
- et al.
I was raised catholic. Religious school and church every Sunday, school uniform and the constant fear of doing something wrong or not being perfect; which in that world equals being a sinner.
I stopped practicing the religion when I was fifteen years old and went on my own way of becoming a free soul, an artist. I thought I left my belief system behind until I have faced the challenge of designing the character of Jesus in the play called Funnyhouse of a Negro written by Adrienne Kennedy. This Jesus wasn’t the same that I learned about when I was little. This Jesus was a murderer that overran innocents’ homelands and slaughtered them.
As a costume designer I use many rules in my process that help me approach the characters objectively and use my art in service of the production. This time I found it much harder to stay objective. Whenever I started drawing, searching for the right lines and shapes in the design I stopped because of a deep and powerful sensation in my chest. The feeling of Guilt. For the innocent catholic girl in me these sketches were dishonoring and violating Jesus. Making him aggressive and evil felt like a sacrilegious act.
One of the most important and useful tools that I’ve learned in this program is awareness. Awareness of the people around me as well as awareness of self. Watching myself experiencing these feelings was surprising at first and a little challenging to face and push through but at the end of the process I was able to design what is right for the play and gained knowledge. More knowledge of myself and my artistic process. I gained insight about how my upbringing affects my art and learned that all beliefs are replaceable, it’s just a matter of perception.